Category: Blog

The Beauty of Goodbyes

As someone who has spent over a decade of my life deeply depressed, I have contemplated death for many, many hours on many dark nights. In the face of suicide attempts, I have tried to end my life, to no avail – not once, not twice, but three times. At the WakeUp Festival in 2013, I attended Jeff Foster’s workshops (I had no idea who he was) and I finally embodied the truth of his words. The light bulb was permanently turned on in my mind, heart and soul. It had been flickering in the year’s prior through the readings of many other spiritual teachers (i.e. Marianne Williamson, Louise Hay, Eckhart Tolle, Cheryl Richardson, etc). I never understood people who were afraid of death….afraid of dying. I desperately wanted that. I don’t think I began living until I was 35….and even then, depression was a constant friend, a familiar face, a place of comfort. It has been my process for the last 15 years to learn to not only love life, but to love myself. I am not afraid of death but I no longer invite it into my life every night when I fall asleep. My evening & morning prayers have shifted from “Please God, take me in my sleep” and “Oh God, not another day” to “Thank you God for the gift of sleep” and “Oh God, it IS another day – Yeah!”. 40 years in the making that transition was. Thank you Jeff Foster your words below really moved me.- Dr. Chris

“THE BEAUTY OF GOODBYES BY JEFF FOSTER
Your family members will die. Your partner, your friends, your mother, your father, even your precious children. Your own body will cease to function, and this could happen sooner rather than later. We want to turn from this fact, try to not think about it, call the topic ‘depressing’ or ‘negative’ or ‘too dark’. Lighten up, we say, desperately attempting to banish endings – as if they were enemies – from our consciousness, burying in mud the pain, the sadness, the longings, the fears, the dread of eternity, distracting ourselves with the business of the day, and platitudes, and ‘positive thinking’, and religions rooted in fear and second-hand promises, and a refusal to face nature and her ancient ways. We struggle to control our lives even more fiercely, and exhaust ourselves in trying to save ourselves.
For lurking underneath our frivolity, our distractions, our attempts to control the Uncontrollable, the anxiety still rumbles, the ancient fears of the deep, the spectre of loss, the certainty of the passing of things, often when we least expect it, or want it, or trust it, or are ready. But as all the great spiritual teachers throughout the ages have reminded us, death is a part of the great cycle of life, and impermanence is built into the very core of our human experience, and nothing is certain except uncertainty, nothing is really promised except ‘what is’, and we ignore the cycle at our peril. Everything is burning, as the Buddha taught, and even Christ looked death and decay in the eye, and to a lesser or greater extent, we all must contemplate death in order to value life, to feel fully alive, to know our place in the vastness of the cosmos.
We avoid the contemplation of death really to avoid our own heartbreak. But to allow our hearts to break, to soften them, to sink deeply into the knowing that everything will fall, everything will pass, everything will crumble, can be the great portal to awakening. We simply stop taking everything for granted. We stop living in ‘tomorrow’ and turn towards the living day. We stop seeking our happiness in the future, clinging to the promises of others, and begin to break open into a bigger happiness that is rooted in presence, and truth, and allows for the coming but also the going of things, that accepts the little deaths as they happen each day, the disappointments, the losses, the shattered expectations, the goodbyes. The Unexpected becomes our friend, a constant companion. We break open into bitter-sweetness, into fragility and utter vulnerability, into the gift of every moment, of every encounter with a friend, a lover, a stranger.
Every moment is rendered sacred, holy, because it could be the last one. That is not depressing to the heart, but liberating, nourishing. Because now you are free, free to really live, and love, and give yourself fully to existence.
Every instant of contact with a partner, a friend, a mother, a father, a beloved child, is seen to be infinite, eternal. We allow our hearts to break as they open today, taking loss into the bigness of love, holding each other close as we walk our paths, learning to cherish our physicality even though it is burning, ephemeral, ending even as it begins. As Eckhart Tolle reminds us, even the Sun will die.
Everything is an illusion, and illusion does not mean ‘unreal’ but ‘transient’, passing in our presence, unable to be held for long, and therefore loveable as it is. Through looking death in the eyes, we discover a happiness that is not dependent on form, and begin to lose our basic fear of living. We find God – the presence of love, light, awareness, eternity – in the midst of our ‘ordinary’ days, through the gains and the losses, the pleasure and the heartache, the sadness and the most profound joys of this crazy, beautiful human experience.
True love holds within it the contemplation of the loss of the beloved, as every true hello contains its own goodbye, as the sky holds the stars.
“I love you, friend, and I won’t always be around in this form, and neither will you, but we are here together, now…”

UBC Commerce Valedictory speech- April 1990

Dear Dean & Mrs. Lusztig, Members of the Faculty of Commerce, Fellow graduate students

Upon graduation, the question that can be heard ringing through the halls is “WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW?” For many it is an uneasy sensation, similar to what one feels when they discover that an hours preparation or cramming before a midterm exam isn’t quite enough.

After 5 years of Commerce, I truly feel that we are now ready to face the challenges that lie before us, each of us having suffered through and completed our degrees. From our many experiences at UBC, we should cherish the good aspects, such as friendship. I think the most rewarding experience of our university careers has been the friendships that have developed over the last 5 years. Such friendships have instilled feelings of togetherness & sharing, the sharing of ideas, feelings and ambitions. These are true friendships that will remain with you a lifetime, they are to be treasured and valued like no other.

We should also learn from the bad, that is, don’t let your failures pull you down, but may they provide you with an incentive to work harder and continue to strive towards the most prestigious of achievements. In anything you set out to do, do not accept mediocrity. Advancement cannot occur in the world if individuals simply desire sufficiency or adequacy, rather than excellence.

I think now, more than ever before, we have realized we must work hard for what we want – – we must take responsibility for our lives and persevere. At UBC, we’ve learned not to accept indifferent efforts from ourselves. Each one of us, even Accountants, has a strong feature or talent that distinguishes us from one another, and this talent has hopefully been strengthened during the past half decade. In whatever you aspire to become, develop your talent to the fullest, and use it to your advantage. Goals are dreams and wishes that are not easily reached. You have to work hard to obtain them, never knowing when or where you will reach your goal. BUT KEEP TRYING!!! Do not give up hope, and most of all never stop believing in you. For within you, there is someone special, someone wonderful and successful. No matter what you achieve, as long as you want it and if makes you happy, you are a success.

You must employ your privileged position as University Graduates as a positive influence as you venture into the work force. It is imperative to realize that we, as the youth of today, and as the contributors of our society tomorrow, will have the capacity, and moreover, the responsibility to steer society in the direction in which we wish it to go. We must remember that the experience and knowledge, which we have accumulated over the past 17 years, represents only the start of our real education. To quote Winston Churchill:
“This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.”

Good luck to you all and thank you!

What Does Mother’s Day Mean to You?

My mom means the world to me – she is one of the most important people in my life. She has been my greatest fan, biggest believer, constant cheerleader and always, always has my back – no matter what. It hasn’t been easy for her to be a mother to an adopted daughter who has a major mental illness – and no one ever talks about who is caring for the caregiver. I remember when I was initially very sick with my condition and she was struggling to find answers for me – it was very stressful. Can you imagine having to admit your child to the psychiatric ward against their will? She still apologizes – over 30 years later – for doing that. My response is “It was the right thing to do. I needed help that you couldn’t provide and the hospital was the best place for me.”

As Mother’s day approaches – what are you doing to show your love and appreciation for your mother. If your mother is no longer with you – how can you spend the time with positive memories of her – staying in appreciation and gratitude of the magnitude of her love for you. If your mother was not a mother – and some people are just too unhealthy to do so – how can you move through the anger, frustration and disappointment to acceptance of what is – and ground yourself in understanding and compassion for her shortcomings – as painful as they may have been for you.

Until I became a mother myself, I never fully appreciated all that my mom did for me. As I am adopted, I was always yearning to understand my biological mother and questioned why or how she could have given me up for adoption. I struggled with being accepted & loved and until my early 30’s I felt like I was never wanted. This shift to self-love and compassion for my soul has been profound. It has been the medicine that I needed to recover from years of disordered eating, addiction to exercise, depression and anxiety. When I met my biological mother in 1992, my mom wrote this in a card to her:

“I hope you are proud of Christina – she is a wonderful girl. I have always considered it a privilege to be her mother and I thank you.”

On this mother’s day – I say “thank you” to you, Mom. I love you!

MMMmmmm Campbell’s

I grew up eating Campbell’s soup and I loved all the flavours – chicken noodle, tomato, vegetable and mushroom. Back in the 1970’s almost every casserole recipe had a tin of Campbell’s mushroom soup in it. Even with all the knowledge that I now have in nutrition, there are some habits that are hard to break.
But Campbell’s original soup is one that I have broken up with for good. The ingredients label is the cause of my leaving Campbell’s behind, and is likely why so many are doing the same1. Let’s analyze the ingredients one by one, so you understand why you too may want to look for alternatives to the classic soups.

INGREDIENT CONCERN
1. Water Is the water filtered? Was it previously stored in plastic and now contains BPA?
2. Mushrooms Okay – I will give this one to you Campbell’s- I like this ingredient
3. Modified Corn starch Corn itself is highly genetically modified – one to avoid! And the word “modified” is perplexing – modified how exactly? Often modified means to include MSG – MSG and its related products have been linked skin rashes, nausea, migraine headaches, heart irregularities, and even seizures2, making MSG another one to avoid.
4. Canola or soybean oil First of all, which one is it? Canola or Soybean? Either way, they are both genetically modified – an absolute avoid!
5. Wheat flour Unless organic, wheat is sprayed with a possibly carcinogenic/toxic chemical called glyphosate3– an absolute avoid!
6. Corn starch See comments under 3. Modified Corn starch – another dose of GMO.
7. Cream A dairy product. Dairy is full of chemicals used in processing and production. Not only do the medications used on dairy cows (ie hormones and antibiotics) make their way into the milk, the pesticides in foods the animal consumes also do. The processes of pasteurization can also add in more harmful chemicals to the milk. Here are a few other points from Dr. Mark Hyman: “The Federal Trade Commission (FTC) recently asked the UDSA to look into the scientific basis of the claims made in the “milk mustache” ads. Their panel of scientists stated the truth clearly:

  • Milk doesn’t benefit sports performance.
  • There’s no evidence that dairy is good for your bones or prevents osteoporosis — in fact, the animal protein it contains may help cause bone loss!
  • Dairy is linked to prostate cancer.
  • It’s full of saturated fat and is linked to heart disease.
  • Dairy causes digestive problems for the 75% of people with lactose intolerance.
  • Dairy aggravates irritable bowel syndrome. Simply put, the FTC asked the dairy industry, “Got Proof?” — and the answer was NO!

Plus, dairy may contribute to even more health problems, like:

  • Allergies
  • Sinus problems
  • Ear infections
  • Type 1 diabetes
  • Chronic constipation
  • Anemia (in children)

Due to these concerns, many have begun to consider raw milk an alternative. But it may not be the ideal answer to all dairy concerns. While it is true that raw, whole, organic milk eliminates concerns like pesticides, hormones, antibiotics, and the effects of homogenization and pasteurization, these benefits don’t outweigh dairy’s potential risks linked with infection and chronic disease.

From an evolutionary point of view, milk is a strange food for adult humans. Until 10,000 years ago we didn’t domesticate animals and weren’t able to drink milk (unless some brave hunter-gather milked a wild tiger or buffalo!).

If you don’t believe that, consider this: The majority of humans naturally stop producing significant amounts of lactase — the enzyme needed to properly metabolize lactose, the sugar in milk — sometime between the ages of two and five. In fact, for most mammals, the normal condition is to stop producing the enzymes needed to properly digest and metabolize milk after they have been weaned.

Our bodies just weren’t made to digest milk on a regular basis. Instead, most scientists agree that it’s better for us to get calcium, potassium, protein, and fats from other food sources, like whole plant foods — vegent-tables, fruits, beans, whole grains, nuts, seeds, and seaweed.”4
8. Buttermilk powder See comments in point 7 above.
9. Salt Natural Terrain - What's In your soup?Salt is a mineral that is needed in small amounts by our cells (ie 1 g per day). The problem with processed foods is that salt is often used in higher amounts to enhance flavour. In this soup can there is over 730mg– almost enough for your entire daily allowance. Canadians eat about 3400 mg of sodium each day – more than double the amount we need. The problem with salt is that it can increase blood pressure. High blood pressure is a major factor in stroke and heart disease, one of the leading causes of death in Canada. There is also increasing evidence of links between high salt intake and stomach cancer, osteoporosis, obesity, kidney stones, kidney disease, vascular dementia and water retention. Salt can also exacerbate the symptoms of asthma, Ménière’s disease and diabetes5,6
10. Yeast extract Used as a food additive to improve taste, this product can contain glutamates (a product that is concentrated to make MSG) (see note on MSG in 3. Modified Corn Starch above). As such, foods that contain yeast extract cannot be labeled as MSG-free, though they do not have the same high levels of glutamate. However, it does also contain B vitamins that are beneficial so it may be up to you and your family to weigh the benefit of B vitamins vs the potential reaction to glutamates7
11. Flavour This is an important one. What does this mean? What type of flavour? Anytime you read this on a label you need to replace it with the word “chemical” because that is what it is. I would argue that it is not something you want to consume. See point 1 below for what the Environmental Working Group has to say about “natural flavour”
12. Potassium chloride (salt substitute) Didn’t we just add salt as ingredient #9 – is this a way to get around the sodium levels and make them even higher?Potassium chloride has been touted as being a salt substitute without the dangers of high sodium levels raising blood pressure and contributing to risk of heart attack and stroke. However for some people, ingesting more potassium can lead to excessively high potassium levels called hyperkalemia, with dangerous health consequences such as heart arrhythmias and even heart arrest. Risk factors that make a person more susceptible to dangerous hyperkalemia include having kidney failure, type II diabetes, Conn’s disease, bladder or kidney stones and most importantly, being on diuretics or other medications to lower blood pressure (such as ACE inhibitors, angiotensin II receptor blockers). For people with the above conditions it is wise to outright avoid high intake of both potassium or sodium salts- both of which are in this soup!8
13. Soy protein isolate Soy is highly genetically modified – an absolute avoid! This is also another contributor to MSG
14. Sauterne wine Wine?! In a soup given to children… maybe that is why I liked it so much – LOL! Seriously though, grapes are on the list of the 12 most heavily pesticide-sprayed foods (the dirty dozen), so you are getting an extra dose of chemicals in your soup.
15. Sea salt See comment under point 9. Don’t we have enough salt already? Is it necessary to add more? The food industry manipulates the amounts of either fat, sugar or salt in recipes so we become “addicted” to them. But, sea salt is good for you – right?! In minimal doses and not at the levels used in processed foods it might be.
16. Onion powder
17. spices		 Which spices? Have they been irradiated? Most spices, along with many fruits, vegent-tables and meats, are irradiated to effectively inactivate bacteria that are resistant to antibiotics and to eliminate other contaminants. It’s a growing technology used to increase food safety and reduce food poisoning. However, questions regarding the consequences of irradiation have been raised, stating it could cause chromosomal damage to persons consuming it as well as reducing the nutritional value of foods.In 1997, the WHO along with the FAO (Food and Agriculture organization of the UN) concluded that food irradiated to any dose appropriate to achieve the intended food safety objective is both safe to consume and nutritionally adequate9. However the WHO does concede that many vitamins and nutrients are diminished in the process. The Oxford Journal of Clinic Infectious Disease points out that “because we are not yet able to identify which components of fruits and vegent-tables are beneficial in protection against some cancers, heart disease, and stroke, neither are we able to measure the effect irradiation has on these components.

Irradiated foods, when further processed by cooking or freezing, may have more vitamin loss than do non-irradiated processed foods.
Determining these effects is important and would have implications regarding full disclosure of nutrient content on labels. Furthermore, because of the concern that nutritional deficits increase susceptibility to or progression of some infections, the possibility still remains that irradiating food may predispose some people to certain infections.10

The conclusion by global food safety boards is that reducing food borne illness worldwide is a high priority that calls for continued irradiation, which unfortunately may then render our food nutritionally deficient. However there are many ways to ensure high food safety standards within your own home through proper storage, washing and preparation that will not reduce the nutritional value of your food.

1 An interesting and frightening note on “flavour” from the Environmental Working Group:

“The truth is that when you see the word “flavor” on a food label, you have almost no clue what chemicals may have been added to the food under the umbrella of this vague term. For people who have uncommon food allergies or are on restricted diets, this can be a serious concern.

In addition to the flavor-adding chemicals themselves, flavor mixtures often contain natural or artificial emulsifiers, solvents and preservatives that are called “incidental additives,” which means the manufacturer does not have to disclose their presence on food labels. Flavoring mixtures added to food are complex and can contain more than 100 distinct substances. The non-flavor chemicals that have other functional properties often make up 80 to 90 percent of the mixture.

Consumers may be surprised to learn that so-called “natural flavors” can actually contain synthetic chemicals such as the solvent propylene glycol or the preservative BHA. Flavor extracts and ingredients derived from genetically engineered crops may also be labeled “natural,” because the FDA has not fully defined what that term means. (Certified organic “natural flavors” must meet more stringent guidelines and cannot include synthetic or genetically engineered ingredients.)

The companies that make flavoring mixtures are often the same ones that make the fragrance chemicals in perfumes and cosmetics. EWG advocates full disclosure of fragrance ingredients and believes flavoring mixtures should be treated the same way.

EWG considers it troubling that food companies do not fully disclose their ingredients and use vague terms like “flavors.” Consumers have a right to know what’s in their food. We are also concerned that processed food makers manipulate flavors to whet people’s appetite for unhealthy foods and encourage overeating.11

Natural Terrain - Organic SoupsCampbell’s itself has recognized the need for an overhaul of its ingredients and this year has introduced a line of organic soups. These are made with whole organic vegent-tables and sold in tetra-pack containers with no BPA. Campbell’s CEO Denise Morrison applauded consumers, “They want to know what ingredients are used in their food and where they come from”1

But that’s certainly not the only alternative. The healthiest way to have soup is to make it yourself. That way you avoid cans that may be lined with BPA and you know exactly what is going in and how much, starting with organic vegent-tables, nutrient rich bone broth and filtered water. Whether eating homemade or other selections of prepared foods, look for some of the following replacements of the other ingredients in Campbell’s traditional soup:

INGREDIENT IMPROVEMENT
1. Water Ensure the water is from a filtered source. Incorporate bone broth that has been adequately boiled. See Dr. Mercola’s article for the benefits of bone broth:

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2013/12/16/bone-broth-benefits.aspx
2. Mushrooms
3. Modified Corn starch Avoid this ingredient altogether
4. Canola or soybean oil Organic extra-virgin olive oil
5. Wheat flour
6. Corn starch		 Because these are used as thickeners, you can use organic unbleached wheat flour to replace both. Arrowroot and tapioca are gluten-free alternatives, but best to ensure they are organic.
7. Cream To avoid the accumulation of hormones and antibiotics in milk, you can use organic cream. However, a completely dairy-free option is to try organic coconut milk in the soup, in a smaller amount. The flavor profile of the soup will shift, but is equally rich and hearty. Ensure your coconut milk source is free from guar gum and BPA. One ‘safe’ brand of coco milk is Native Forest. You can also make your own coconut milk from organic coconut flakes using a blender andcheesecloth12 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpxPoizVT9c&hd=1
8. Buttermilk powder Flavour and consistency replacement of buttermilk powder can be obtained by the alternatives to corn starch and cream, above, so that buttermilk itself can be eliminated
9. Salt Use in smaller amount – only use sea salt
10. Yeast extract Flavour enhancement can be achieved with sea salt. Nutritional yeast is another form of deactivated yeast that will also add flavour and B vitamins and has significantly less glutamate than MSG flavour-enhancers
11. Flavour Eliminate as ‘natural flavours’ contain synthetic chemicals
12. Potassium chloride (salt substitute) Eliminate as already included as ingredient 9
13. Soy protein isolate This is added for protein and consistency. Leave this out and add cooked organic beans or lentils to the soup to get natural whole-food protein
14. Sauterne wine Use an organic white wine, low in sugars and preferably sulfite-free.
15. Sea salt Eliminate as already included as ingredient 9
16. Onion powder
17. spices		 Organic dried sources of spices are not irradiated. The best way to know how clean your herbs are is to grow your own and add fresh.Look for an ingredients list that lists actual spices used so you know it can’t contain hidden ‘flavours’ or additives.

There are ways to make healthy choices whether cooking more at home or simply knowing what to avoid when choosing pre-made foods. Learn about the ingredient lists in your shopping cart to make a healthy diet easier for you and your family.

References:

  1. http://www.nj.com/business/index.ssf/2014/07/campbells_to_launch_organic_soups_in_effort_to_rebuild_earnings.html

2. http://saveourbones.com/12-dangerous-ingredients/

3. http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/new-brunswick/herbicide-chemical-glyphosate-probably-carcinogenic-who-agency-finds-1.3018545

4. http://drhyman.com/blog/2010/06/24/dairy-6-reasons-you-should-avoid-it-at-all-costs-2/#close

5. http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/fn-an/nutrition/sodium/index-eng.php

6. http://www.actiononsalt.org.uk/salthealth/

7. http://www.healthline.com/health/food-nutrition/is-yeast-extract-bad-for-me

8. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1124926/

9. http://www.nfid.org/links/irradiation-foodborne-disease/steele.html

10. http://cid.oxfordjournals.org/content/33/3/375.full

11. http://www.ewg.org/research/ewg-s-dirty-dozen-guide-food-additives/fda-failed-us#flavors

12. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpxPoizVT9c&hd=1

The Beauty of Defeat

Yesterday was the 21st anniversary of my suicide attempt. I’ve written about this before, but this year I have been writing my book and in this process I have been reviewing my journals. It is no coincidence that last week, I was reading my journal from 1994 (age 27) when my struggle into darkness seemed impossible to emerge from. I think I have had the experiences I have had, the struggle of coming to the place of understanding & acceptance and the pain of feeling ostracized my entire life in order to learn to accept myself. For me – being adopted into a family some of whom weren’t as open to the idea of adoption (on my dad’s side) when they said to my parents – “Well, blood is thicker than water….”…this contributed to my feeling like I never “fit” anywhere – especially being adopted into a Norwegian family full of blonde haired, blue-eyed beauties. All of this was necessary for me to learn forgiveness ultimately of myself and others.

In school, I was always highly sensitive, shy and teased. Then my plunge into the depths of depression, anxiety and bulimia were all hard pills to swallow. These mental health labels were something I hid. It has been a secret that is deep, dark and covered in lots of stigma, shame, discomfort, taboo, lack of acceptance and denial. They are my “shadow” sides1 – the disowned parts of myself that I didn’t like, love or accept.

For the past 30 years, I have been working on accepting these aspects of myself and learning to love those parts of myself that I don’t want to look at – that I shun, disbelieve and deny – essentially, I have been acknowledging my shadows.

With the writing of my book, where I unveil all my truth – and risk all my greatest fears – fears of ostracism, misunderstanding, judgment and stigmatization – I reclaim these denied aspects of my soul that need as much love as the rest of me. I have been scouring my journals from 1984-2014 – and I found it fitting that last week I stumbled across the last entries I made in my journal before attempting suicide – here is what I wrote:

February 24, 1994:
I am home today (at Mom’s) – took a day of bereavement leave for my Grandma’s (on my Dad’s side) funeral and I will go to the memorial service tomorrow. Last night and today I almost feel depressed!! I think it is because I am worn out, tired, sick with a cold (still), lonely, confused about the future etc. As far as work goes, I haven’t had a chance to enjoy anything because I’ve been stressed with mutual funds. My colleague is picking the shit out of me, going through my papers and things, but soon it will be better when I have the time to do what I want. I must try hard to maintain the correct balance – don’t overwork yourself, try to get to work by 7-7:30am and leave by 5:30-6pm in order to do your workout and things for yourself like write, sew, decorate, visit friends, etc. I think I’m feeling really single at the moment, but you know that it doesn’t matter – you have to be comfortable with yourself & love yourself & then you’ll meet the right person. Its not that I am “miss picky” – it is just that I know the importance of finding a “soul mate”. Don’t worry about things Chris, you’ll be fine, look forward & up with a smile on your face & in your heart!

Next entry: March 20, 1994
Well, work is still stressful, but getting somewhat better. It is frightening what I don’t know, but it’s just as frightening to see the way the Branch operates. Oh well, things will get better – just remember that you can’t do it all in one day! Be patient, work hard, but also relax and enjoy yourself. Sweet dreams Christabelle! Remember who loves you the most and always will xoxo

Next entry March 31, 1994
I’m really not digging my job – I can’t stand the disorganization, how long it takes to do one thing, lack of support. The person I replaced was a jerk. Things just seem to get dumped on you – I can’t seem to get ahead. My time doesn’t feel like my own. Solutions? Suicide! Quit your job! No, come on Chrissy, you can do it – have an attitude adjustment & be positive. It will just take time before everything comes together. Make out your to-do lists and try to stick to them.

Next entry: June 5, 1994
Well, it’s been two months since I’ve written and things haven’t been going that great. I’m still very unhappy with life, my job, etc and I can’t seem to figure out what is the problem. I am definitely depressed. I’ve been to Dr. Remick who put me on an anti-depressant (Zoloft) which has helped a bit, but not a lot! I have to try and figure out why/what it is that’s making me feel this way. Is it work? Do you like what you do? Can you even answer that question? I’m not thrilled with the Branch Manager or the other Commercial Lender. I don’t really trust them, especially when they go behind my back and authorize commercial deals that I’ve just declined without even explaining it to me so I can learn.

Is it your love life? What love life! Well, not really because I’m not ready for anyone serious right now. I’m not interested in physical contact – the companionship would be welcomed, but it’s not really that.

What about the fact that you’ve been wanting to take your life! You have to make a decision either way – you make your life better by changing what is bothering you – or you give up. To give up is a cop out, I suppose, but it seems like a pretty good option at times. Over the past 8 weeks you’ve been trying to think of other career opportunities – cop, teacher, your own business or Outward Bound, but nothing has really happened – you haven’t come to any conclusions except you want to quit your job. But why?! Do you hate banking? What would be more along your lines – health, nutrition, helping others? I wish I never decided to do a Commerce degree and go into business/banking. Well, no decisions have come now with this writing. I may or may not talk to you later depending on how things unfold. Don’t compare yourself to others; just do the best you can do. Maybe you should go in and talk to the Branch Manager – tell him how much you hate your position right now. Maybe I am in over my head – Ask him what he thinks I should do?

And that was it. I never talked to anyone about how I was feeling. That the thoughts of self-doubt had been plaguing me for 6 months – thoughts that constantly told me: I wasn’t good enough, I was stupid, I was a loser, I was not worth the breath I was breathing, etc. Four days later, I tried to kill myself. I consider June 9, 1994 like my birthday. It is the day I woke up and started the process of acceptance of myself which has been unraveling for the last 21 years. Given the amount of poison I consumed, I really should not be here. I realize that no one leaves the planet until God decides it is time, and you’ve passed the tests that you’ve come here to learn. I’m still learning to love myself and others, to be open to all possibilities, to let go of my fears, to go deep into the darkness and from this, I know that all will be what it will be in the end – and it is beautiful. All of it. May you continue to see the beauty in your life – and may you be able to see the beauty or gifts in the pain you endure.
My heart will always go out to you.

Reference:
1. Ford, Debbie; Chopra, Deepak and Williamson, Marianne: “The Shadow Effect: Illuminating the Hidden Power of Your True Self” (May 3, 2011)

Because your life depends on it

Today in the Natural Terrain clinic I spent some time with a woman with an incredible story that more than made my day. She was humble and appreciative, quietly thanking me for helping her prepare for her treatment. When I asked how she had injured her shoulder, this unassuming woman unfurled a beautiful and touching story of her unpredictable recovery from a near-fatal brain hemorrhage and serious fall.

“It was like a gunshot at the back of my head,” she said. “It came forward and my world turned upside down. And I thought, ‘This is it. I’m dying’”.
She told me of the day it happened and of the serendipitous events that allowed her to get the treatment she needed to survive. She was one of the small fraction that survive with good recovery and little to no neurological impairment. Her neurologist was astounded. She did, however, suffer months of pain in quiet and darkness in order to let her brain rest and heal. When I asked what got her through it she said, “I just decided I was going to get better,” rather matter-of-factly. “There was a voice I heard that said, ‘I don’t want to die. I have so much I’ve put off”. The incredible power of the mind in healing and recovery was made proof in her being there, sitting and speaking plainly to me as if nothing of the sort had happened to her less than one short year ago.

But what impressed itself upon me most about her story was not just her survival but how she was changed. I asked her if he was a busy person before the event and she replied by calling herself “stupid busy”. She described a pre-hemorrhage life full of worry and people-pleasing. She was on medication to bring her blood pressure down amidst the stress and anxiety of career, projects and obligations for others. One day it was out of control and she was sent a serious message to slow down, by way of a trip in the ambulance to the ICU. I mentioned to her Dr. Gabor Maté’s book “When the Body Says No” and his work showing how the body gives us signs to slow or stop until it stops for us- through serious illness. When we learn to say no, learn to express our anger, learn to do things for ourselves, only then do we start to heal and prevent chronic and acute diseases. She agreed wholeheartedly, saying “that’s just it. I was doing things without considering myself. And now I just don’t. I don’t see people I don’t like or that pressure me. And I don’t feel guilty because I could be dead. It’s as simple as that”. She willed herself to get better, to love the people she wanted to love, to self-publish a book that had been waiting for 30 years, dropped the unnecessary stress and has been able to live hopefully another healthy 20 years with the love of her life.

A feeling welled up inside me as I said goodbye after her treatment and I will call it inspiration. She’s right. It is as simple as that; we could all be dead. Life has no guarantees for us but mistakenly we put off living today for the promise of an improved tomorrow. We put off standing up for ourselves to avoid conflict. We swallow our anger to be likeable. We stifle our individual creativity and our dreams to fit in with those around us. We play it safe to avoid uncertainty. But today as I heard the story of the message she received loud and clear from her body, I was inspired to look at myself and really see where the messages are for me. I made a conscious agreement to act with more self-compassion, more self-love and more self-consideration. I give myself permission to listen to my body and my inclinations when I feel I should put myself first, to live in the present moment, and to direct my life in a healthy, mindful way. Because eventually it could save my life.

Thoughts on Resistance

I saw this quote the other day; “Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got” by Robert Brault and it stopped me in my tracks and got me thinking about how I am waiting for people to apologize to me. And in my waiting I am resisting.

Have you ever tried to make a change in your life and encountered resistance? What is resistance? The definition of resistance is: The act of resisting; opposition, passive or active. And the definition of resist: To stand against; to withstand; to obstruct.1
When you read those definitions, what images come to mind for you? For me, the image of a brick wall comes up that seems impenetrable. But, as we know, all walls can be disassembled with the right force. It is an interesting exercise in self-discovery to look at what you are resisting in your life. And even more interesting is to shift resistance from being a protective mechanism or a shield to asking resistance why it is showing up in your life? What is the lesson or message it is bringing? How can change happen in your life alongside the resistance? For me, I notice that resistance to change is a big obstacle to my personal growth. I am learning to embrace the resistance and stay true to my courage and strength – not cower in fear because I am afraid of change. How about you?

1. Websters online dictionary

The art of journalling

The art of writing in my journal has been a savings grace for me for over 40 years. I often ask patients to journal and not everyone is open to the idea. It is my hope that you will be.

For me, journaling serves many purposes:
~ it is a safe place that I can unload all that is weighing on my heart, mind, body and soul
~ it is where I write my poems
~ it is a trusted friend that I can always turn to for advice, wisdom and guidance.
~ it is a memory box to record my life’s events – the good, the bad, the ugly and the precious
~ it is a place where I can process difficult emotions without any judgments
~ it is a creative outlet for my writing
~ it is an amazing sleep aide

There is no right way to journal…

– you can do stream of consciousness writing where you just let the pen flow and see what comes out and not be concerned about rereading it later. When I do this kind of writing it is illegible and there is no concern about anyone finding and reading my journal. Of course, if you want to record your life in order to reflect on it later, then you might have to write a little neater. ☺

The act of writing – putting pen to paper – is becoming a dying creative outlet with the progress of technology. As youjournal, take a moment to feel the paper in your hands, to listen to the sound of your pen gliding across the page and to appreciate the gift of language and the ability to express your emotions as your words fill the pages.
My wish is that the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual aspects of your being will receive the best medicine as you journal: relaxation, comfort, solace, compassion, inner guidance and wisdom.

Sending you healing thoughts,

Dr. Chris

Exciting news!!! – Dr. Chris’s first book – “Moving Beyond – a journal into self discovery” – will be available by August 1st for purchase. If you would like to pre-order, please email admin@naturalterrain.com or call the clinic at 587-521-3595 with the number of copies you’d like. We will post the link to Amazon as soon as it is available.

Beyond the Labels

Many know that I am writing my book and in this process I have been reviewing my journals. I’ve discovered many poems that I forgot I had written, fun times with friends that were long forgotten and the pain of enduring the mental health challenges that I have now, thankfully, overcome. For those of you that haven’t seen my book excerpts on Facebook, I am including some here to give you more insight into what I am writing about.

Excerpts from Beyond the Label:

“Since all these encounters are more than a coincidence to me, I find the concept of soul contracts gives me peace of mind that I am here for a purpose, for a reason. I also feel that if I am to die of suicide, that my soul will not “graduate” and in my next lifetime I will have to repeat the lesson until it is understood.

And the lesson for me is to learn to love and accept myself. I was at war with myself for the first 25-35 years of my life. I have put my sword down and raised my level of consciousness by making my mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health my number one priority in my life. Not my job, not my career, not my house or my car or where I vacation – but health of me and my family is the most important thing to me.” – Dr. Chris

“If you are a 20/10 depressed, then your judgment and perceptions may be clouded or distorted by depression. It is important to understand that this is not you. This is what depression does TO you. You can change your thoughts. You don’t have to believe every thought you have. We have to learn to become objective about our subjective reality. When you are stuck IN it, it is difficult to see the cloud of depression in front of your eyes. The cloud is so thick that you become the cloud. It is important to understand that on a soul level, you are still there. You are behind the cloud. And that cloud will lift and the sun will appear again in your life. ” – Dr. Chris

“I have lived in extreme shame since being diagnosed with a mental illness. The irony is that shame kept me locked away from owning all aspects of myself which gave power to my shadow sides and energy to the illness. The energy was fuelled by fear. An important shift in my recovery was not focusing on what might go wrong in the future (ie my fears), but moving toward what is going right in my life now, in the present moment (ie my faith). Just like if you want to have a toned bicep muscle, you would go to the gym and do exercises to strengthen your bicep, it is the same concept when working with the mind. I had to learn to build the “muscles in my mind” so that I have useful tools to work with in a skillful manner that move me in a positive trajectory towards health rather than a fear-based direction that is clouded in negativity.” – Dr. Chris

“When you start working with and observing your thoughts you need to ask: Where am I? Typically – there are 3 places one will be: 1) in the present moment 2) in the past – typically ruminating about past events or 3) in the future – typically worrying about an event that hasn’t happened yet. If it is the past, remind yourself that the past is over. Done. Finished. There is nothing you can do about the past except change your relationship to it in the present moment.
And if you find you are ruminating about the future or worrying about your loved ones or life regarding future events, then the prescription is the same – you have to bring yourself back to the present moment as the event hasn’t happened yet. Most people tend to live in the past or future in their minds – but all that actually exists is the present moment. All you have is this breath. This moment. Now. ” – Dr. Chris

“What saddens me to my core is the inability of my family and friends to forgive events/actions that have happened in the past – especially things that have happened when I was unwell. I have often felt that those with any other health condition – ie heart disease, cancer, auto-immune disorders, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, etc – are not blamed for being sick/unwell, misunderstood, ostracized or gossiped about. It is like people think that it is in our locus of control – like a switch – and we can automatically turn depression on or off; turn psychosis on or off – if only it were this simple. It is absolutely not. I am not saying that we can not do things to prevent ourselves from getting sick – as that is the point of my book – but I am saying, when we are sick, it is unacceptable to place blame or cast judgment. This has to stop now if we are to make any progress in shifting the conversation about mental illness to mental wellness. The action needed and required is love and compassion – just like you would give a loved one that has been diagnosed with cancer. A quote from Joseph Campbell that I love is: “The psychotic drowns in the same water that the mystic swims”
**Journal exercise: How do you judge people with mental illnesses like schizophrenia, depression, bipolar disorder? In what ways can you bring yourself to see them through the eyes of compassion and the lens of love?” – Dr. Chris

Top 7 business tips for being a successful ND

One thing I am passionate about is spreading the message about Naturopathic Medicine and one way to do that is by helping other NDs become successful in practice. Maybe you are new in practice and wondering how to be successful in practice. Perhaps you feel overwhelmed by the idea of setting up a new clinic, marketing, deciding on software, hiring staff and the multitude of decisions that have to be made. I remember when I went to the Canadian College of Naturopathic Medicine, I had made a career change from Marketing (B. Comm) to Medicine (ND) and I lacked confidence in my skills. Remember, there is a reason it is called a medical “practice” – you are learning from your patients every day. There is no doctor or scientist out there that knows it all – and neither do you. Mother nature might be the only one that has the answers and that is why I think it is best to follow her lead ☺. As I say to my patients “Nature is the teacher of science”. There are many aspects to business – business is a broad term that encompasses operations, accounting, finance, marketing/advertising, human resources, organizational behaviour etc – and this article will discuss 7 key points that every ND needs to do well. Clinicians spend many years studying medicine but they have to realize that private practice is essentially a business – especially for naturopathic doctors.

Here are my 7 business tips:

1.Physician heal thyself – when I first started in practice, I asked Dr. Gord Smith for advice. He said “When you learn to get out of the way with patients, then you will be successful.” It took me time to fully integrate what he was teaching me. I have come to believe that working on my own “issues” in the mental, emotional and spiritual realms have been a key point in working with patients. You can only take patients as far as you have gone yourself. I have found that the greatest gift I give to my patients is through the healing work that I have done. To this end, I have created a unique course for clinicians to further their own exploration into personal healing and growth. I highly encourage you to either work with a gifted practitioner you trust or to sign up for this exciting retreat: Beyond the Label Teacher Training. I hear you, I’ve been there. I have learnt that you have to do your own personal growth work to get yourself out of the way in order to help others. If you find you are triggered by what patients are saying, you are getting defensive or taking things personally, then you need to some work (ie The Work of Byron Katie, take my course, counseling).  Even though I reported to a CEO in my previous career, have a business degree and have been practicing for over a decade, I don’t profess to know everything – because who does. So let yourself off the hook with the pressure you are putting on yourself to know it all – you never will. Put more energy into healing yourself.

2. Take one action step every day toward your goals. Since you are “self-employed” you are the one driving your business and the success of it. Don’t let your fears of self-doubt stop you in your tracks. Pick one thing on your “to do” list that you can do today. If you don’t have a “to do” list I suggest that is your action step for today – create one. As someone once told me “Fail to plan, plan to fail”. If you are unsure in business, then hire a business coach. I am happy to consult as with you as well.

3. Give patients hope and love. I think an important point that many are missing is hope. Hope is defined as: to want something to happen or be true and think that it could happen. We must instill hope in our patients. The reason we don’t may be due to a lack of confidence in our abilities, in the medicine, in the patient or maybe we have forgotten how important the basic things are. I know many are fearful of giving “false hope” to patients (ie cancer). Remember that you are not the only one guiding the patient. There are often contractual spiritual forces at play that are bigger than us. I believe in the field of psychoneuroimmunology and I ask many patients to watch this video – as it talks about one’s thoughts as it relates to one’s health. The main point in the video is: one of the most important components to your health is your subconscious and conscious beliefs. Thoughts create neuropeptides. Neuropeptides bind to immune cells as every immune cell has neuropeptide receptors. Therefore, your thoughts = your immune system. This is the field of psyconeuroimmunology and the work of Candice Pert in her book “Molecules of Emotion”. Remember that patients are putting their trust in you to help them heal. You need to put faith in them that they will heal. This is called hope. It is not necessarily going to be easy. It is not necessarily going to be hard. It is going to be what you make it. I maintain confidence that through my actions, the steps the patient needs to take and the work of spirit in their lives that they can regain their health on all levels – physical, mental, emotional and spiritual – if that is what is meant to be. It is important to remember that health is a lifelong journey – not a destination. We are always making choices today that our future self will thank us for. One of those choices is focusing on HOPE. The other is focusing on LOVE. Really care for and love your patients – I make this a #1 priority with my patients – that they feel cared for and I really grow to love them. No one leaves the clinic without a hug or a gentle touch on the back. I really think that this loving approach is one of the things that has made me so busy. In the end, patients know that I care about them.

4. Marketing/networking and referrals. It is important in marketing/networking to let people know you are available to help. The naturopathic profession has a PR problem and there are many that still don’t know we exist, what we can do, how well trained we are etc. Although I have seen a shift over the last 20 years, we still have a long way to go to catch up in creditability to MDs. If people don’t know that you can help them then you aren’t in their realm of possibility. It is your job (and that of our professional associations) to let the public know about who we are, what we do and how we are trained as primary care providers. Find ways to market yourself and spread your message in ways that you are comfortable with – if writing is your thing, then write for your local paper or blog; if speaking is your strength, then give talks; or if you have a particular interest – in sports, arts, or volunteering, then start with the groups you are involved with. Do your part to get the message out about our amazing profession. One way to do this is to ask for referrals – from existing patients, from like-minded practitioners (ie massage therapists, psychologists, chiropractors, medical doctors, pharmacists etc) and give referrals to the same people you are asking something from. I have taken a lead from my realtor and I give every patient a welcome letter that says “I am never too busy for your referrals – if you know someone that would benefit from naturopathic medicine, please let them know about us”. ☺ I believe this is the ideal health care team for a patient:
a. See an ND
b. See a body therapist (ie rolfer, massage, cranio, reflexology)
c. See a chiropractor and/or acupuncturist
d. See a psychologist
e. Work with an open minded MD
f. Refer to “specialists” as necessary

5. Have a plan. Let patients know what aspects of their health you are working on and how long that will take. Never let a patient leave without having a follow up appointment scheduled. I let patients know that they are on a plan – for example, first we are going to balance your neurotransmitters, manage stress and then address your hormones. While we are doing that we will also work on the organs of detoxification and diet. And after that we will address x, y and z. Patients return because they are ready for the next step, they get results and they want to feel EVEN better. Patients know with me, they must schedule their follow ups even if it is 6 months away as I am so busy – they want to get in and they value and respect that time because they value their health. Once I have helped patients with their chief concerns, I let them know that I am just like their family MD and I want to see them in 6 months – 1 year to have an annual check-in. For many of my patients I am their primary care provider.

6. Be organized and be on time. If you aren’t an expert or if you don’t have knowledge on condition Z – it is fine as you tell them that you are addressing root causes and in the first visit, there are always two diet changes you can make for people (whether it is decreasing caffeine, eliminating pop, increasing water, incorporating more organic foods, eliminating GMO foods) and that gives you time to research their specific condition. Remember though, that you treat people, not conditions.

7. Location, location, location – location is important. Starting in a busy city with lots of other NDs is more difficult than an under serviced area. We do need to recognize that the world of business has moved online – so you need to have a physical space for people to come to your office, but how they find you needs to be online. If you aren’t online, then get there – this is the way of the world so build your website, start blogging and be active on social media. When I was in school, a teacher said the ND/population ratio was 1:10,000. That means that a city the size of Toronto could have over 260 NDs. There are currently 301 NDs – if it were me, I might consider another location. When I was a student, I looked at the size of each city in Canada and the population – recognizing that my preference was to move back to Vancouver, BC where I am born and raised – and decided that Squamish was going to be where I would move. Four years later, love found my heart and my partner wanted to live elsewhere. We ended up settling in Edmonton (after a stint in Fort McMurray) and I love it here! We discussed moving to a Gulf Island to practice, but we chose against it. We discussed moving to Vancouver, but we chose against it. We discussed buying a health food store in Pemberton, BC, but we chose against it. Many factors go into deciding what is best for you and your family. I believe home is where your heart is and wherever you go, there you are. Canada is an amazing country and there are many locations that need an amazing ND like you!

Here’s to your success!!

Reference:
1. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/hope