Everyone has positive and negative influences in their life. The important thing is to recognise which people, events or situations fill you up and which ones deplete you. By finding out what is stressful for you, changes can be made in the right direction towards a more healthful life.

A helpful exercise is to take a piece of paper and divide it into two columns. In the first column, list Good for me (gives me energy, happiness, health = energy givers), and in the second column, list Bad for me (drains my energy and health = energy robbers).

There may be relationships, time commitments, people, work situations and/or eating patterns that go in one or both columns. You may love a job or commitment (column 1) but not the time associated with it (column 2). By doing this exercise, you can find out what the energy givers are as well as the drainers and can identify the top 5 in each column. In the “bad” column, identify why the top 5 entries are so tough and understand clearly what is going on to have a clear picture of life situations that are negatively affecting your health. See how these prevent you from living a healthy life. Choose the worst one from the “bad” column and make a commitment to eliminate this from your life. Work out a plan to do this. Once this item is eliminated, move onto the next and repeat the exercise.

Looking at circled items from the “good” column, devise a way to do these things more frequently in your life, moving from a life with things that render you powerless to things that make you feel more in control and empowered in your life.

Recognize your “energy robbers”, which are things that make you feel drained. Many energy robbers will show up in the “bad” column. These can be bad foods, commitments, a strong scent, a memory, a room or even a person. As an example, an energy robber could be a friend or family member. If you talk to this friend everyday, try minimizing your exposure to this person by talking three times a week or even once a week. If this is someone you are very involved with, you could make a signal to that person to let him or her know you feel your energy draining. If it is someone you do not have open communication with, (an energy draining sign), you must do what you can on your own and perhaps rethink this relationship.

If it is work or home conditions, the solution may take a bit of creativity. For instance, at work – only phoning back messages at two time intervals in the day instead of being constantly interrupted on the phone.

If you’re still stuck you can change the situation (eliminate the loud noise – telling people to be quiet), change yourself to the situation (wear earplugs with loud noise) or leave the situation (leave the area of the noise).

Please consult Dr. Bjorndal for additional help in this area if you feel it is necessary. She has training Cognitive behavioural therapy Gestalt psychotherapy and Mindfulness therapy and can help you set boundaries in important areas of your life that may be draining you of vital life energy.

Letting Go

Have you ever had an “upset” with someone? Perhaps there is someone in your life that is not talking to you or you aren’t talking to? Many patients mention these situations to me, stating that their families are “dysfunctional”. What most of my patients don’t know is that I have had the same experience with my family and friends. I have been struggling with this for a number of years – what to do, how to fix it, how to let go, etc. And I have spent countless dollars and hours in counseling, as well as filled up many journals to resolve these conflicts. I had an opportunity to go see Oprah at the beginning of 2013 and she said “First the lessons come to you in the form of a tiny pebble, then a larger rock hits you on the head, then a boulder and finally, the entire brick house might come crashing down on you for you to get the lesson”. I have come to understand that the lessons for me are:

1) The importance of letting go

2) Other people’s opinions of me are none of my business

3) Transformation happens when we learn to love and accept ourselves

4) To believe that I am good enough and worthy of love, just as I am

In 2013, I had two larger boulders hit me in the side of the head. The first was with an acquaintance on a trip we took together. A few weeks before we were supposed to leave, I recognized the large rock that I tried to ignore which was when I found myself saying: “It would be better if I shortened my trip or cancelled it all together”. Did I listen to this message or trust my inner voice? Of course not, I rationalized it away with my ego by saying “C’mon, you’ve already paid for your accommodation, how will you get your money back? How will you explain that you don’t want to go anymore? Your flights are booked, etc”. Without going into all the details, suffice it to say that I did not enjoy myself at all on this trip, had a less than enjoyable time and ended up wishing that I didn’t go. It also ended in a parting of ways with the acquaintance I went with as I wasn’t able to speak my truth about how I was feeling about the trip, the situation I was in, my stress levels, etc. On the one hand, I am okay with this, but on the other hand, I have a hard time when I think people don’t like me. I seem to give my own opinion of people less weight than the other person’s. I seem to disregard that I think the relationship is no longer a fit for me (i.e. an energy taker) when I perceive that the other person doesn’t like me. It is not okay for someone not to like me in my highly sensitive mind. I can tell you that this belief has caused me much angst, heart ache, energy and upset over the years as I would go to the ends of the Earth, sacrifice or stuff my own thoughts and feelings about a relationship in order to save it.  I have had many sleepless nights pondering the question “Why does person X not like me? Why hasn’t Person X returned my call or email?” Through working with my Naturopathic Doctor, I have learned that loving and accepting myself has been the respite from my mind that my soul needed. This started by practicing the 4 Agreements & the 5 R’s of Problematic Thought Patterns, by recognizing when my boundary has been crossed & learning to recognize: “Whose shit is this and whose diaper is it in?”, by doing “The Work” by Byron Katie, by practicing Forgiveness, and by repeatedly going back to the breath whenever I find myself “stuck in my head” with thoughts. Finally, prayer has also been a saving grace.

This summer, I had another boulder hit me from out of the blue and land right on my chest crushing my heart – this one was much more difficult than the experience mentioned above as it was with a family member. Many hurtful things were said to me – and it was a reminder to me to be careful of the words you use for they can cut like a sword. In fact, what word do you see when you write “words” with no spaces between them, such as:

wordswordswordswordswordswords

It spells swords! Believe me, what was said cut like a knife right into the deepest part of my soul. To give you an idea, one comment that was made was about me having a mental illness and how this person was “sick and tired of catering to you and your mental illness”. This just highlighted to me that there are still many people out there that are not accepting of mental illness and very judgmental. I often wonder if I had Parkinson’s, MS or cancer, I think people would be more understanding, supportive and accepting of me. But because my challenges lie in the mental realm with anxiety, social phobia, depression, an eating disorder, etc, people just don’t get it. It has become my life’s passion and purpose to break these barriers down and crusade for compassion, insight and understanding for those diagnosed with mental illness. I have been equally devoted to my own healing as I grow into my soul recovery and accept responsibility for what I bring to situations. I am also extremely grateful for the family that have stuck by me – whether they understand me or not – like my husband, father, mom, step-dad and many dear friends. I know they love me and while I used to want them to “get it”, I have come to accept that they don’t need to – they just need to stand by in love and by doing so, they have showed me how to love myself. Isn’t that what it is all about? In my situation, it is a matter of life and death at times as I have been affected by depression and plagued by suicidal thoughts. The difference in past years for me in not acting on those thoughts has been the flicker of light shining through the cracks of my broken heart – this light reminds me I have worth despite all the judgment from those that have cast me aside for whatever reason. I am still learning to accept the lessons of letting go of what has happened in the past & of letting go of other people’s opinion of me. I can tell you that it has freed up time for me, as I no longer spend countless hours writing in my journal or analyzing what has happened in my mind over and over again. I just breathe in, bring myself back to this moment, this gift in time & exhale all the self-critical thoughts that I have of others and myself. Slowly, one breath at a time healing is taking place for me….and my wish is it takes place for you too this Holiday season. My gift to you is this lesson in letting go from Robert Holden’s book “Be Happy”:

“Letting go: Suffering is a decision not to let go of the past yet. Happiness is a decision to step into the present now. And being present is what helps you to let go of what is not happening now. You may have had an unhappy childhood, but that is not happening now. You may have experienced a romantic heartbreak, but that is not happening now. You may have had a bitter disappointment in your career, but that is not happening now.

Letting yourself be happy is not a denial that suffering ever happened, and it is certainly not an attempt to dishonor any old pain. Letting yourself be happy is, however, a signal of intent to be free of more suffering. By choosing happiness, you invite healing. By saying “Yes” to happiness, you invite grace. By being open to happiness, you discover you have a deeper compassion for yourself than even you realized. Letting yourself be happy can be translated as I have suffered, and I want to be free; I feel pain, and I choose joy; I feel fear, and I ask for help; I feel angry, and I am open to forgiveness; I feel sad, and I call upon compassion; I feel lost, and I welcome grace.

Until you let yourself be happy, you make an idol of your suffering, which prevents you from seeing the true depth and beauty of your original nature. One of the mantras of my work is “Pain runs deep but joy runs deeper.” As you let yourself be happy, you realize that pain and suffering belong to the ego, but true healing and joy belong to your original nature. In other words, you realize that although you have experienced pain, you are not your pain, and that although you may continue to experience suffering, you are not your suffering. Happiness is giving up all resistance to letting go.“

On a positive note, 2 hours after the above-mentioned incident, I was reunited with my favorite Aunt from childhood. Due to family & life circumstances, I had not seen her for 11 years. The tears of joy and the loving embrace when I saw her washed away all the pain I had experienced in the hours before. Everyone has a heart and Rumi said “Do not look outside yourself and seek love, look within to see all the walls you have built between it and your heart.” Ask yourself where you have put a wall in your heart in order to protect it from being hurt. To break down these walls, breathe in love and with the exhalation let the love flow or radiate outward unconditionally to your friends, family, co-workers and those you may have a grievance with. I decided to share my experiences this year with you as I know that having an “upset” with someone is a common theme in many peoples lives and my intention is for this to be helpful to you so you too can get to the place of acceptance, understanding, forgiveness and finally, letting go or letting God. 🙂

This is a story of friendship. Everyone knows someone who has been diagnosed with cancer, is currently undergoing treatment for cancer, has beat cancer or who has died from it. Along with cancer, everyone knows someone who has been labeled with a mental illness, is currently undergoing treatment for a mental illness, has beat a mental illness or who has died from it. I have experienced both – a mental illness diagnosis (1987) and cancer (1998 – malignant melanoma (stage 2)). Today, I wanted to write about two dear friends that have been instrumental in the recovery of my mental well-being and health – Jessica and Lisa.

Jessica and Lisa have been friends since Grade 3. I met both of them in 1986 at UBC – Jessica and I were in the same undergraduate program and Lisa and I were teammates on the UBC Track Team. Unbeknownst to me, they were good friends. It was such a special day when we all realized that we were connected. I have held both of these friendships close to my heart for the past 28 years and I’d like to share with you why. I can’t emphasize enough the importance of dear friends – some say, “friends are the family you choose”.

In 1987, while I was studying at UBC, it was a trying time for me as I was lost in many ways:
– I was secretive about my bulimia tendencies
– I hadn’t dealt with my parents divorce while I was in high school
– I was trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life, who I was, what was the point of being on the planet, of being HERE, and
– I was the classic overachiever – Honour roll student (even had the highest mark in my first year UBC Calculus class), Scholarship student (both athletic and academic), Varsity Track and Cross Country Team member, and it wasn’t enough to be just an athlete, I was also the Team Manager on top of working part-time while at school.
Phew, it exhausts me to think about those days!

When I started university, I set out to become a lawyer. This was because in Grade 10 I was interested in becoming a police officer, but it was extremely important to my parents that I go to university. We discussed why I was interested in this career and it was decided that I would go to UBC and become a lawyer. I remember asking my Dad what I should take for my undergraduate degree and he suggested Commerce. At that time, you had to do 1 year of specific undergraduate courses before you could enter the Faculty of Commerce – and it was very competitive to get into the program. They also offered a Commerce-Law option and I set my sights on this in the fall of 1985. It was a steep learning curve to jump from the secure fish bowl environment of high school into the shark pit of university. When I began my 2nd year of Commerce I was feeling overwhelmed, indecisive and unsure about Law school, but I didn’t know what else to do or what other major to choose.

I remember standing outside the Commerce building in the pouring rain without an umbrella, for what seemed like several hours because I didn’t know what step to take. My Commerce friends noticed that something was “off” with me. Some expressed their concern by sending cards and letters (this was pre-cell phone & texting days!) and others just continued on without blinking an eye. I don’t blame them, as this was what business school taught us: that money is the epitome of success and how to run a business and grow an empire – not care about humanity. But two people that made a permanent imprint on my heart that I will never forget were Jessica and Lisa – each in their own individual way. At this time, Lisa wrote me a letter –

“Dear Christabelle: Please don’t be sad. You are the most wonderful person: you’ve got so much going for you – you’re incredibly intelligent, athletic, attractive, sensitive and you have a great sense of humour which I miss. What more could you want? From what I see, you’ve got yourself in a dilemma where you think that every decision you make is going to influence the rest of your life, therefore, it is vital that you make the right one. But, it really doesn’t matter if you realize that this is only one small stage in your life. Enjoy it! Live each day one at a time – spontaneity is fun! Make the most of what you’ve got today – the future will always work out – especially for someone with the qualities you have. There is a huge world out there – try to imagine you are looking down on it from space – and you will see that you are a small part of the interconnected whole. Think of yourself as part of this great world and let your problems go. Someday you will look back on this time in your life, no matter how much pain you are in now, and laugh. Watching you reminds me of a poem called “Comes the Dawn” –

Comes the Dawn
After awhile you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today, because
Tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans and futures
Have a way of falling down in midflight
After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that love really can endure…
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn…
With every goodbye you learn

Love Lisa”

After sending me the letter, she made an appointment at UBC Student Health Services to talk to an advisor because she was so concerned about me. She wanted to know what more she could do to help, as she knew my state was serious. I had stopped going to our track practices and was barely functioning. She was advised to make an appointment for me. I remember Lisa calling my Mom (who was obviously wrought with concern over the changes in me) and asking her if she thought she could get me to the appointment. I had sunk very deep and my mom had to get me out of bed, dress me, and brush my teeth and hair etc if I was to get anywhere. Lisa was also terrified that I would either be upset with her or wouldn’t go. I went. And it was the slow start to the unraveling of my mental anguish and the beginning of my road to recovery. It was at this time, that I was diagnosed with major depression, anxiety and bulimia¹ and prescribed Imipramine – a tricyclic anti-depressant. Looking back, I might refer to what happened as an “existential” crisis or “adrenal fatigue”– but I had never heard of either of those words in 1987, let alone depression and anxiety! Until this point in my life, I had only learned of depression in the economic sense of the word, not the medical sense.

Jessica made an impact on me because during those stressful, paralyzing, depressing dark days when I was contemplating suicide – she would ask me if I wanted to go for a walk. She introduced me to places on campus that I had not taken the time to explore because I was so focused on achieving – places of beauty and art – like the UBC Japanese Gardens. These gardens are an amazing oasis amongst the hustle and bustle & trials and tribulations of student life. At that time, in the depth of my despair, I didn’t fully appreciate the beauty of the gardens. What I did appreciate though was the friendship, the connection, and the fact that someone cared enough and took time out of their hectic schedule to be with me even though I couldn’t form a sentence to talk or even muster up the strength to walk there on my own. Jessica became my strength by taking my hand and leading me to peace. She allowed me to just be. I didn’t need to talk, sound smart or impress her. She accepted me. Perhaps she recognized what I was going through and could see that I was depressed when I didn’t know what was going on with me. She just sat with me in silence and showed me she cared by taking the time to be still with me. If it wasn’t for friends like Jessica & Lisa (and there are many others who know who they are) who knows if I would still be here. I even remember Jessica’s mom buying me a copy of “The Joy Luck Club” by Amy Tan. I was so touched that her mom would do that for me and I still have that book on my bookshelf.

Fast forward to the summer of 2013 when I was talking to Jessica and she let me know that the she had “terminal cancer”. Jessica has been living with cancer since 2007² and the previous years have been very trying for her. Since she lives in the UK, I don’t get to see her very often – the last time was in 2010 when we were both in Vancouver at the same time. Here is a picture of Lisa, Jessica and I, was well as two other friends at Ambleside beach

Throughout her cancer journey I have sent her books, love, emails, cards and we’ve had phone and Skype calls. She is constantly in my prayers. I recently sent her a book called “Dying To Be Me: My Journey from Cancer, to Near Death, to True Healing by Anita Moorjani” – in an attempt to disprove the 1 year prognosis she has been given. I firmly believe in the power of psychoneuroimmunology – which is the relationship between our thoughts & emotions and our immune system.
Since her cancer had metastasized to her brain, she is no longer able to fly and I felt that it was important to go and visit her for moral support. The soonest I could arrange to be there was the end of November and I was grateful to be joined by Lisa, as well as two other dear university friends, Deanna and Kerry. You will see the love in the video that Jessica made of our trip.

No one knows how long they have on the planet – life is fragile, precious, a gift and can be gone with a blink of an eye. Pema Chodron wrote: “A cancer diagnosis. Loss of livelihood, wealth, power. The unexpected end of a relationship. A broken promise, a shattered dream. Sometimes impermanence smacks us in the face without much warning. It was always there, of course, lurking in the background, we’ve just been distracted, or fallen into illusions of permanence, or turned our backs in horror. Impermanence comes, sometimes out of the blue, to remind us of what is essential and true, to shatter our spiritual laziness and remind us of the true path.

A keen awareness of the impermanence of things can protect us from the pain of self-righteousness, arrogance, ignorance, greed – and ultimately, fear itself.
Friend, find that which is permanent in the midst of the ever changing. Find your own presence in the constantly shifting appearances of life. Find your true home in the midst of uncertainty. Be what you are, the unchanging principle – That which has never changed as everything else has changed. Know your own beingness, your original sense of belonging, soft and intimate and warm, always here, never missing. You just got distracted, that’s all, became lost in the shiny things, in those intoxicating dreams of past and future, mesmerized by appearances on your way towards future glories promised by undoubtedly well-meaning friends.

And then, a cancer diagnosis. Loss of livelihood, wealth, power. The unexpected end of a relationship. A broken promise, a shattered dream. These are not mistakes or punishments but sudden reminders of the sheer Power of the Uncontrollable, the immense Intelligence moving all things, an Intelligence beyond comprehension.
Another call to humility and softness. And kindness. And an invitation to remember: in the midst of cancer, loss, devastation, failure, what cannot be lost? What cannot fail? Love is still here. The ability to connect deeply. To listen. To see. To feel. To laugh at seriousness. To be serious about laughter. To remember our own Presence, the Presence of life, here and now. And the gift of the small things. A sip of water. The sound of the rain. The breath moving through the nostrils. A visit from a loved one. An unspoken kindness. The beauty of questions unanswered.
The essential things cannot be taken away. Everything non-essential will crumble in time. Perspective is everything. The moment is a beginning.
This is not a path you will find in books. This is a path of courage and birdsong, of waking in the morning with a tender heart and knowing that everything is somehow profoundly okay in a way you cannot hope to understand.”

I know it is not easy to understand cancer or mental illness, and you can get trapped in asking “why? Why? WHY? Why ME?” But all we have is this moment. This Breath. Now. I am so grateful for those few days with my friends in November. I will cherish those memories and our Friendship forever. I wanted to write this for Jessica as a tribute to her while she continues to be with us. Lastly, this poem is how I feel about my close friends, like Lisa and Jessica. I hope you take the time today to call, think of or write someone you call a friend all in the name of Love.

What is a Friend? I will tell you. It is a person with whom you dare to be yourself. Your soul can be naked with him. He seems to ask of you to put on nothing, only to be what you are. He does not want you to be better or worse. When you are with him, you feel as a prisoner feels who has been declared innocent. You do not have to be on your guard. You can say what you think, so long as it is genuinely you. He understands those contradictions in your nature that lead others to misjudge you. With him you breathe freely. You can avow your little vanities and envies and hates and vicious sparks, your meannesses and absurdities and, in opening them up to him, they are lost, dissolved on the white ocean of his loyalty. He understands. You do not have to be careful. You can abuse him, neglect him, tolerate him. Best of all, you can keep still with him. It makes no matter. He likes you – he is like fire that purges to the bone. He understands. He understands. You can weep with him, sing with him, laugh with him, pray with him. Through it all – and underneath – he sees, knows and loves you. A friend? What is a friend? Just one, I repeat, with whom you dare to be yourself.
– C. Raymond Beran

Update: I am sad to report that Jessica Ma passed away peacefully on December 7, 2014. May she rest in peace. I miss you Jessica!

1. For more information on my recovery from an eating disorder please visit:
– http://www.drchrisbjorndal.com/bulimia-recovery-story/
– http://www.drchrisbjorndal.com/feed-your-headqa-with-dr-christina-bjorndal/
– http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/2010/01/eating-disorder-recovery-qa-with-dr-christina-bjorndal/
– http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/2010/01/qa-on-eating-disorder-recovery-with-dr-bjordnal-part-2/
2. For more on Jessica read: http://jessicama.wordpress.com/2014/03/30/changes-changes/

Today, June 9 (1994) is the anniversary of a suicide attempt that left me in a coma, on dialysis with kidney failure waiting for a kidney transplant. The months leading up to this attempt were very dark. I had recently been promoted as a Commercial Lender, but unbeknownst to me, the Branch manager “fixed” the commercial portfolios so that the one I managed had all the problem accounts and the one the other portfolio manager had contained all the A+ accounts. I was spending countless hours at work and knew the janitor by his first name as I was often at work until 10pm. A common question asked of someone who is depressed is “Why are you depressed?” With each depressive episode I have had, I reflect on this question and ask, “What happened? Why did I get depressed? What did I do wrong?” – like it was completely in my locus of control to regulate my mood by magically turning a switch on or off. I have come to learn that this is not a question you ask someone who is depressed. Most don’t “choose” to be depressed – or do we? Maybe on a subconscious level we do because deep down, I know that I didn’t love myself or accept myself. Was that the real cause of all my pain?

So what exactly happened all those years ago? As with any episode, it is multi-factorial and each one is unique offering an opportunity to learn and grow if you are lucky enough to have the benefit of hindsight and reflection.

At that time in my life, I had expected the promotion and transfer back to Vancouver to be a positive one as I was now closer to my family and friends. What I didn’t foresee was:
1. How much I would miss the wonderful friends and colleagues I had made while previously working in the small farming community of Chilliwack. In fact, I met one of my “besties” to this day during that time. Because I was working so much, I found it hard to make time for my family and friends in Vancouver as I was drowning in my work. As a result, I became socially isolated.
2. I also didn’t realize the impact the real estate market would have on me. I went from my 2-bedroom 980 sq ft apartment in Chilliwack to a 1-bedroom 675 sq ft apartment, for 2.5x the price and mortgage payment. I never expected the anxiety I felt from being “tied down” to the weight of my mortgage – it physically crushed my chest making it difficult to breathe at times. I bought just before the leaky condo bubble burst in Vancouver and I watched in dismay as my property value plummeted. I now felt chained to a job I was growing to dislike more and more each day – like an animal trapped in a cage with no options of escaping.
3. I was naïve to business politics and I didn’t anticipate the lack of support I would get at the new Branch, as the previous Branch Manager I worked for was an honest man who did not play favorites. I had no idea that my portfolio would be comprised primarily of bad debt accounts.
4. Because the distribution of my portfolio was unequal, I was working 10-14-hour days from January – June. The important things I would do for myself to maintain mental wellness – like exercise and eat properly – were neglected. As such, my exercise regime became compromised and my vegetarian diet consisted of frozen foods and canned soup. Hardly healthy or nutritious.
5. My self-confidence steadily declined as I felt in over my head at work and was too proud to admit it or ask for help. The seeds of self-doubt grew into uncontrollable weeds that I could no longer pluck from my consciousness. My judgment was clouded by negative self-talk that was defeatist and seemed to grow increasingly louder as the months wore on. I got very tired of listening to this constant barrage of verbal abuse that eventually I believed the only way to be free from these thoughts was to commit suicide – then and only then would there be silence.

Due to my previous mental health history, I was seeing my psychiatrist regularly. As in previous depressive episodes, it often took me several months of sliding deeper into the pit of depression before I would muster up the strength to say I needed help. Many times words were not needed as my psychiatrist could determine by my affect that something was not right with me, for example:
– I would not talk during our sessions as I had nothing to say
– The blank look of hopelessness in my eyes spoke volumes
– The visible weight loss I experienced was evidence that I had lost the desire to eat or nurture myself
Other signs of depression were the endless hours I would spend in bed not wanting to face the day, my work responsibilities or my life; the social isolation that I fell into as I no longer found joy in being around my friends or family since was it was an effort to “put on a happy face” and I no longer had the desire to exercise. I felt a lot of shame and guilt around the self-deprecating thoughts I had and would not admit that I was suicidal unless my psychiatrist directly asked the question: “Do you have thoughts of suicide? Do you have a plan?”

I was prescribed a new antidepressant, Zoloft, in February 1994. For my previous depressive episodes in the early 90’s I was prescribed Prozac, however, I was assured that Zoloft was “new and improved”. It later was discovered that there is actually a connection between suicide and Zoloft – and that “suicidal ideation, thoughts, and behavior – collectively termed as suicidality, and suicidal acts have long been linked to antidepressant usage. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), including sertraline (Zoloft), are believed to increase suicidality risks [1]”

Ultimately, I think it was a combination of the various stresses in my life (i.e. moving, new job, intense portfolio, financial stress, lack of socialization, poor diet, no exercise, poor self-esteem, etc) that resulted in the events of June 9, 1994. What I remember the most was the thoughts that plagued me. The self-critical thoughts that repeatedly told me that I was worthless, what was the point, I was no good, no one cares about me, I may as well kill myself, etc. If my voice of reason piped up with a rebuttal such as “that is not true, you have worth”, the voice of doubt quickly set me in my place with comments like “You are such a chicken, you can’t even kill yourself. You aren’t even good at THAT!” The tug of war between these two sides of me was exhausting. I had such a hard time turning off those thoughts and after 6 months of being terrorized by this voice, I decided that the only way to stop them was to end my life. I couldn’t take it any more and I seemed to believe every word of this negative stream of thinking.

So, I wrote a note, drank some poison & grabbed my cat and cuddled him as I fell asleep hoping that I would never wake up again, that my life would be over and I would finally find out the truth about Jesus, God, Heaven, White lights and “the Afterlife”. (Note: If you are depressed and reading this, please do not try this as it does not work! Please pick up the phone and call a Suicide help line or a loved one for support.)

The next morning, I was supposed to be at a breakfast meeting with my boss. When I did not show up, my boss called Mandy, the Customer Service Manager at the Branch to see if I had forgotten about the meeting and had gone to the office. Alarm bells went off when they realized that I wasn’t there. Mandy called my Dad – who was unavailable as he was in a meeting and my Mom – who was out of the country at the time visiting my brother in Japan, but by the Grace of God, my Step-Dad happened to be home as he had a dentist appointment (normally he would not have been there to answer the phone). He knew I had been depressed and so he raced over to my apartment. He made his way into the building and found me barely breathing. He called 911 and I was rushed to Royal Columbian Hospital. Again, I was blessed as the ER doctor had special training and knew to insert the dialysis line in the larger femoral vein versus subclavian vein, as was typically standard practice. I remained in a coma for a few days and when I regained consciousness I was transferred to the ICU until I was well enough to be placed in a private room on the general ward. I had dialysis three times per week, as my kidneys were not functioning. I was told that I would need a kidney transplant if they did not recover. I can tell you that I was certainly not impressed when I realized I was unsuccessful in my suicide attempt and was equally dismayed when I felt like I was going to be “handicapped” for the rest of my life. I even remember when the ER doc came to see how I was doing, I honestly had a hard time looking at her as I wished she hadn’t used “heroic measures” to save me.

While I was recovering, my friend Lisa gave me a book to read by Marianne Williamson called “A Return to Love”. There was a section in the book on surrender: “Surrender means the decision to stop fighting the world, and to start loving it instead. It is a gentle liberation from pain. But liberation isn’t about breaking out of anything; it’s a gentle melting into who we really are. We let down our armour, and discover the strength of our Christ self. We are simply asked to shift focus and to take on a more gentle perception. That’s all God needs. Just one sincere surrendered moment, when love matters more than anything, and we know that nothing else really matters at all. What He gives us in return for our openness to Him, is an outpouring of His power from deep within us. We are given His power to share with the world, to heal all wounds, awaken all hearts.”

I didn’t grow up in a family that expressed love verbally – I don’t think I’ve ever heard my Dad say “I love you”. And I doubted his love – partly because I doubted that I was loveable. I really looked at being adopted as a negative thing. I was Unwanted. Unloved. Discarded. That was the story I told myself over and over again. This has since shifted for me, but during this time in my life I was still stuck in that negativity. When I was recovering from my suicide attempt, my moment of surrender came when I was at my Dad’s. I knelt on the bedroom floor, my head in his lap and I surrendered to God. I remember saying, “I didn’t do this to be a gimp for the rest of my life. Please God. Please. Help me.” I didn’t want to remain on dialysis nor did I want to have a kidney transplant. I prayed for God to heal my kidneys. I sobbed. My Dad sat in silence and stroked my hair. He allowed me to be. He didn’t try to change the moment with words. He didn’t shame me or say “How could you have been so stupid?”. He just allowed the space of silence to be filled with his loving presence. After several minutes of heavy sobbing he said “It will be okay”. And so it was. A few weeks later, my kidneys made a physical recovery and I celebrated that fact that I could urinate again! I never, in my wildest dreams, ever imagined that that would be something that I would celebrate – LOL! My nephrologist said I was a walking miracle. Maybe I am. All I know is that moment on my knees was when I had reached my lowest point. My heart was finally open and I was as vulnerable and raw emotionally as I have ever been.

Even though my kidneys’ had made a physical recovery, I still had a lot of work to do mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I recall reading about a research project with two groups of AIDS patients – one group accepted their condition and had a strong support system. The other didn’t accept their condition, lived in shame because of it, were shunned from their communities and did not have any family support. They studied the outcomes of these 2 groups and not surprisingly, the positive group lived longer lives/had a better prognosis as well as less severity of symptoms and complications from their health condition than the other group. What dawned on me at that point in my recovery was that I had not accepted myself. I was living in shame because I had been diagnosed with a mental illness and I did not want anyone to know about it. I had also been told by my psychiatrist to not disclose my previous mental health history to anyone at work since it is confidential and the business world can be cut throat and ruthless. However, this kept me in the closet and stuck in shame. After reading “A Return to Love”, I began to think about healing. How do I recover? How do I learn to love myself? Is there another way to feel other than depressed and anxious? Slowly, very slowly, a crack of light began to shine through my broken heart. I figured that perhaps God wanted me here and it wasn’t my time. Since reading that book, I have spent the last 20 years learning to accept myself and trying to find natural ways of dealing with mental illness.

The sole reason I became a Naturopathic Doctor was because when I was struggling with my illness there weren’t many natural mental health experts. I had been seeing an ND since 1996; however, his expertise was not in the mental realm. I eventually went to a nutritionally oriented psychiatrist who practiced “orthomolecular” medicine – Dr. Abram Hoffer based in Victoria. Dr. Hoffer had been ostracized from the conventional medical community because he favoured using nutraceuticals (or vitamin supplements) over pharmaceuticals. I saw him in October 1999 when he was in his 80’s. After being on his protocol for several months, my depression and anxiety lifted. I could not believe it! It was at this point that I took stock of my life and while journaling one day, I asked myself one question: “If money didn’t matter – what would I be doing with my life?” The answer that came up for me was to help people recover from the mental illnesses that I have had (i.e. depression, anxiety, social phobia, an eating disorder) using naturopathic and orthomolecular medicine.

I would like to add that another pivotal moment for me in making my career change to become a Naturopathic Doctor was the death of my friends’ cousin to suicide in 1998. There were many family dinners where I sat across the table from his cousin and while I could tell that he was depressed and I knew that he was struggling – I was too stuck in stigma and shame to be able to reach my hand across the table to offer help or support. When I learned of his death – incidentally on the same day that I found out I had malignant melanoma – I felt guilty that I had not said or done something to help him. After all, I had tried to kill myself 4 years earlier and was still struggling with depression myself. Up until that point, when I learned that someone had committed suicide, I often found myself thinking – “Now they are at peace”. Of course I am projecting the pain and anguish I experienced onto them. I don’t recall thinking too much about the family that was left behind – only that the person was now free of the mental prison they must have been in. I also felt sad that they weren’t able to overcome their pain. I imagined that it must have been their time; otherwise God would not have let it happen.

When I attended the funeral, I witnessed first hand the aftermath of suicide. I saw the devastation of the family that is left behind – the distraught parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, grand parents, cousins and friends. For the first time in my life, I appreciated another point of view of suicide other than the desire to end one’s own pain. That had always made it excusable and understandable to me – that in the moment someone decides to take their own life, they aren’t thinking about you or anything except ending the mental pain they are experiencing. I know for me, I didn’t love or accept myself and therefore, it didn’t matter what anyone else might go through if I died because I didn’t feel they cared or loved me either – which I know is not true, but that is how you feel when you are depressed. You don’t care – about yourself or anyone else. It was during this funeral that I realized that if I succumb to suicide in this lifetime, perhaps my soul would not evolve and I will just have to face it in my next lifetime (if there is indeed a “next lifetime”). I resigned myself to the belief – whether it is true or not – that if I am to evolve on a “soul level” that I must not succumb to suicide in this lifetime. I can tell you that in subsequent years, on more than one occasion, this single belief has been enough to stop me from further suicide attempts. Instead, I have reached out for help. Attending that funeral also helped to open my eyes to the aftermath that I would leave behind if I was successful in killing myself. I did not want to do that to my parents or those that loved me.

This article is not about justifying suicide, condoning or endorsing it. It is meant to educate about the pain that someone is in when they are suffering and it is my hope that the walls of stigma and shame are broken down. If you know someone that is depressed, maybe a phone call from you will make all the difference in his or her life. Don’t get upset if they don’t call you back – don’t take it personally. Just reach out again anyways. Maybe knock on their door to make sure they are okay. Don’t give up on people who are depressed because they are too negative or it takes too much effort. Try to put yourself in their shoes, be compassionate and understanding, remove the judgment and critical views you may have and open your heart so that their heart may, in turn, be healed.

When I work with patients, I teach them about the 8 pillars to health: 1) stress 2) sleep 3) exercise 4) nutrition & supplementation 5) thoughts & emotions 6) how they behave and react in the world 7) their environment/support group and 8) spirituality. In my work, the foundation is always compassion – for my patient and teaching them to love themselves. At the end of the day, I think it all comes down to love: Do you love yourself enough to make the changes I am going to ask you to make? Do you love yourself enough to take the steps that I am going to ask you to take? And in the case of mental health, do you love yourself enough to not take your own life? It is my hope that you do and that your heart is open enough to learn how to love yourself and you allow me to help you down the road of recovery. I remember when I walked down that road of recovery I had a theme song and it was “I Can See Clearly Now The Rain Is Gone” – you can watch it here.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FscIgtDJFXg

Lastly, from “A Return to Love”:

“The past is over. It doesn’t matter who we are, where we came from, what Mommy said, what Daddy did, what mistakes we made, what diseases we have, or how depressed we feel. We don’t need another seminar, another degree, another lifetime, or anyone’s approval in order for this to happen. All we have to do is ask for a miracle and allow it to happen, not resist it. There can be a new beginning, a life unlike the past. Our relationships shall be made new. Our careers shall be made new. Our bodies shall be made new. Our planet shall be made new. So shall the will of God be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Not later, now. Not elsewhere, but here. Not through pain, but through peace. So be it. Amen.”

I hope you pass this message on to someone you know that may be experiencing mental anguish and consider sharing this video that I made and I hope you enjoy it! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-7sRQRy0xY

Reference:
1. Suicidality and Suicide Attempt in a Young Female on Long-Term Sertraline Treatment http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3662142/

If you or someone you know may be experiencing a mental health crisis or contemplating suicide, call 1-833-456-4566 in Canada or text 988 in USA, In emergencies, call 911, or seek care from a local hospital or mental health provider.

This article as been written by the Orthomolecular Medicine News Service and is posted with their permission. The peer-reviewed Orthomolecular Medicine News Service is a non-profit and non-commercial informational resource. Please subscribe to here OMNS   http://orthomolecular.org/subscribe.html and find archived articles here;  http://orthomolecular.org/resources/omns/index.shtml

My ongoing relationship with vitamin C now spans a full 20 years, when I first met Dr. Hal Huggins, a pioneering dentist who opened my eyes to a wide array of clinical approaches to different diseases with hitherto unheard-of clinical results at his clinic in Colorado Springs. I can honestly say that my first visit to his clinic began the most meaningful part of my medical education. Nothing has been the same since. My office where I practiced adult cardiology ended up being shuttered shortly after that first visit. And I have never looked back.

While there are many things I learned from Dr. Huggins, and there were many areas I then ended up exploring because of what he taught me, the single most important thing I learned from him was the incredible ability of vitamin C to improve or heal so many conditions. Without exception, seriously ill patients, often with such diseases as Parkinson’s, ALS, Alzheimer’s, MS, and atherosclerosis, almost always had extensive dental toxicity in the form of root canal-treated teeth, infected dental implants, mercury amalgams, extensive cavitational osteonecrosis, and/or advanced periodontal disease. Each of these individuals had anywhere from three to five sessions of extensive dental work, typically involving a great deal of dental surgery along with the inevitable exposure to the toxins associated with anaerobic dental infections and the inescapable assimilation of some mercury vapor if amalgams were being removed. However, all of these patients received 50-gram (50,000 mg) infusions of vitamin C administered continuously before, during, and following the dental sessions. In patients with diseases that I had been led to believe could not really be improved upon, dramatic clinical improvement was routinely apparent immediately following the dental sessions.

While I knew the removal of dental toxicity was very important in their clinical improvements, watching these patients perk up after their first vitamin C infusion was extraordinary. Most healthy people I knew just wanted to go to bed after hours of extensive dental work. On at least one memorable occasion, after the first vitamin C infusion was complete, one especially sickly patient immediately began talking with her caregiver about what restaurant they could go to that evening to enjoy a meal. This patient had several teeth extracted, but was still looking forward to attacking a steak with the remaining teeth in her mouth. On a few priceless occasions, I even saw some wheelchair-bound patients take a few steps, with assistance, before they finished their two-week treatment period at the clinic.

Seeing was believing, and I realized the entire way that I approached patient care simply had to change. I needed learn a lot more about the intravenous delivery of this molecule known as ascorbic acid, or ascorbate. I resolved to research this vitamin as completely as possible, learn the nuances of that research as best I could, and then proceed to spread the word on the application of this incredibly potent, inexpensive, and non-toxic substance.

Research

Many of the “leads” that I followed in accumulating the many thousands of abstracts and articles came from the 1972 ground-breaking book by Irwin Stone entitled, The Healing Factor: “Vitamin C” Against Disease. Stone obtained forewords for his book by the renowned Nobel Prize winners, Albert Szent-Gyorgyi, who had discovered vitamin C in 1932, and Linus Pauling, who pretty much put vitamin C into the public eye as nobody else has been able to do.

In order not to miss any significant information published in the medical literature about vitamin C since the publication of Stone’s book, I entered the term “ascorbic acid” into the search engine of PubMed, and list of about 24,000 articles appeared. I gave all of these articles careful consideration in documenting the many clinical effects and laboratory effects of vitamin C. What began to emerge as I proceeded to review these thousands of articles was that vitamin C is more important than any other treatment for infection or exposure to toxin. Probably most impressive was the fact that vitamin C in test tube experiments had always neutralized any toxin to which it was exposed, regardless of the chemical structure of the toxin.

The validation and enormous importance of much of this test tube research came from the work of Frederick Klenner, MD in North Carolina. His clinical experience demonstrated how vitamin C was just as effective in the body as in the test tube in neutralizing or negating the toxic impact of whatever toxin the patient was exposed to. Snake venom, heavy metals, pesticides, cyanide, alcohol, carbon monoxide were all neutralized. The results that Dr. Klenner reported with infections were also astounding, as vitamin C, properly administered, proved to be the ultimate virucidal agent, curing all acute viral infections. These viral infections remain incurable by the standard approaches of modern medicine today. Furthermore, Klenner showed that vitamin C was also very effective in the treatment of many non-viral infections, improving the efficacy of treatment by antibiotics and other medications administered today. While I have seen but a fraction of the types of conditions that Dr. Klenner described, I fully believe the accuracy of everything Dr. Klenner published. I have applied vitamin C treatment to many patients with conditions similar to those treated by Dr. Klenner, along with several other conditions that Dr. Klenner did not have the opportunity to treat. With the perspective of this clinical experience, I have little reason to doubt any of the fabulous outcomes that he reported.

What I Have Witnessed

I recall here some of the most dramatic anecdotes about the healing power of vitamin C in the hope of conveying to the reader what an extraordinary addition it can be to the clinical options of any medical doctor. Shortly after the vitamin C book was completed and published, I began a limited clinical practice with a few colleagues. The circumstances were pretty much ideal for me, as I was able to give or prescribe intravenous vitamin C as needed.

Severe Influenza

In 2003 Denver was in the middle of a flu epidemic that infected over 6,000 individuals and ended up killing more than ten children and infants. In this setting, a slender but healthy 26-year-old woman developed a persistent fatigue that continued to progress. After a month of this ongoing fatigue she fell severely ill very quickly, with the classical flu-like symptoms of fever, chills, muscle aches and pains, headaches, and nausea. She tried in vain to deal with her symptoms and still go to school. However, after about a week of these symptoms and trying to maintain a normal level of activity, she only had the energy to stay in bed.

She remained in bed for the next ten weeks. Even her short trips to the bathroom depleted what little energy she had, as the out-of-bed excursions would cause her to feel feverish and would worsen her headaches. When I first saw her, she had lost 20% of her body weight, going from 100 pounds down to about 80 pounds. In response to a plea from her caregiver, I made a house call to her with my office manager/assistant, and we administered her first vitamin C IV there. I found her primarily just emaciated and appearing very malnourished. There was no evidence of liver enlargement or enlarged lymph nodes. Her bloodwork suggested a past Epstein-Barr virus infection, and it was reasoned that this chronic viral infection had just made her all the more susceptible to the epidemic of flu that was working its way through Denver and the rest of Colorado.

Her first IV consisted primarily of 50 grams of vitamin C as sodium ascorbate in 1,000 cc of lactated Ringer’s solution infused slowly over a period of about three hours. Six grams of glutathione was added toward the end of the infusion. The next five infusions contained 100 grams of sodium ascorbate, completed by the six grams of glutathione.

The morning after the first IV she was free of headaches for the first time in three months, and she felt much stronger. However, by the second infusion, she was able to walk a bit around the house. By the morning after the third infusion, she was able to walk outside and enjoy a little sunshine. She was able to walk into the clinic for her fourth infusion and subsequent treatments. She felt completely normal the day after the fourth infusion, but two more infusions over two more days were administered to prevent the possibility of relapse. An oral regimen of supplementation was started, and she was discharged from regular care.

Of particular importance in understanding the amount of vitamin C needed to effectively cure this patient’s chronic/acute viral syndrome is to note the patient’s weight of 80 pounds when first seen. 100 grams of vitamin C in a 80-pound patient is equivalent to 250 grams in a 200-pound patient. Further, the efficacy of the vitamin C was enhanced by the glutathione administration. Our conclusion from many similar cases was that any viral syndrome not resolving with vitamin C was almost always due to inadequate total dose, along with the virus not being readily accessible by the molecules of vitamin C, as in chronic hepatitis. A terminal (not early stage) case of a dangerous virus such as Ebola in a nutrient-depleted body might require even higher doses of vitamin C for clinical resolution, depending upon body size.

H1N1 Influenza

A New Zealand farmer contracted H1N1 influenza in 2009. Well-documented on New Zealand’s version of 60 Minutes, this individual had progressed to the point of being on life support, and the doctors had nothing further to offer.

A family member contacted me to ask what to do, and I advised intravenous vitamin C, 50 grams or more daily, immediately. However, I did not think there was any chance that the hospital or doctors would allow such treatment.

After an enormous struggle, the family finally got the doctor in charge to give vitamin C before “pulling the plug.” 25 grams of vitamin C was given intravenously the first day, 50 grams the second day, 75 grams the third day, and then 100 grams daily for 4 to 5 more days. At that point a new doctor in charge of the case discontinued the vitamin C completely, for unclear reasons, even though the patient was clearly responding, waking up, and dramatically clearing up the previous “white-out” state seen in chest X-rays of his congested lungs. A full week later, intravenous vitamin C was restarted at a mere one gram twice daily. But for the docs who thought the vitamin C was a foolish intervention, the proof of its efficacy was already at hand.

Pulmonary Embolism

While visiting Colombia, South America, I had the opportunity to see a 30-year-old woman who was bedridden and appearing to be in imminent danger of dying. She had been diagnosed with pulmonary embolism, and both of her legs were tender and swollen, appearing ready to set loose further emboli that would seal her fate. She was already on Coumadin anticoagulation, and her blood tests indicated the thinning of her blood was optimal.

Since I had brought some supplies with me on this trip in order to give a few selected friends (as well as myself) some intravenous vitamin C, I decided to try to help this individual out as best I could. While I was concerned about the vitamin C neutralizing the anticoagulant effects of the Coumadin, I was hoping to relieve her suffering a bit. I proceeded to give her 50 grams of vitamin C over about three hours. She tolerated the infusion well.

The following afternoon I returned to give her another vitamin C infusion. Her improvement was nearly miraculous. She was sitting up in bed and combing her hair, as she had just gotten out of bed and taken a shower on her own.

On the fourth day, following the third infusion, she was smiling and very pleased to report how good her legs were feeling. I was very pleased, but I was also concerned over the possibility of relapse, as I could not continue the IV infusions. She did continue to improve, however, as I left her with several months worth of vitamin C powder, taken at 2,000 mg daily.

West Nile Virus

I have treated two cases of West Nile virus, and both responded very dramatically. A Colorado man in his 60s had already been sick for a month or two when he went to his local hospital and ended up testing positive for West Nile virus. His symptoms included persistent headaches, a bit of disorientation, and a low-grade fever. Upon arrival at my clinic, he was given 75 grams of vitamin C intravenously followed by 6 grams of glutathione intravenously. He was also given a hyperbaric oxygen treatment. By 36 hours post-treatment, he felt completely normal and remained so.

Another man in his 50s contracted the West Nile virus and presented with a history of chronic virus-associated symptoms over the preceding six months. He received three infusions of vitamin C on consecutive days and reported having no further symptoms after the completion of the third infusion. There was no clinical relapse, and the cure was complete. He commented that the whole experience seemed “like a miracle.”

Infectious Mononucleosis

Two college students presented with chronic infectious mononucleosis. Both had been sick for months, primarily with severe fatigue, and they had already dropped out of their classes, not having the energy to continue. Both received several 50-gram infusions of vitamin C and had prompt, complete resolution of their chronic infections and persistent symptoms.

Acute Lyme Disease

A young woman in Pennsylvania was bitten by a pathogen-carrying tick, developed the classical Lyme-associated rash, and proceeded to get very ill over the next seven to ten days. She received several infusions of vitamin C at her house. The first infusion was 100 grams, and her caregiver reported that she seemed much improved upon the completion of that infusion. Five more infusions of 50 grams each were given over the next two days. By the time that 72 hours had passed, she was completely well, never having a clinical relapse or any chronic Lyme symptoms.

Chronic Lyme Disease

A woman with a 12-year history of chronic Lyme disease, documented by blood testing, desired having regular and prolonged high-dose intravenous vitamin C therapy for her condition. Under the aegis of a prescribing physician who had attended one of my presentations of vitamin C, a nurse practitioner was able to give the patient what she wished.

This individual had already been taking liposome-encapsulated vitamin C and glutathione orally without a significant improvement in her condition. On four consecutive days, she received infusions of 25, 50, 75, and then 100 grams of vitamin C. Then, for 19 more days, she received 5 or 6 infusions weekly of 100 grams of vitamin C in each infusion. Until day 23, she felt no improvement. However, she was determined to continue in spite of the lack of improvement and the increasing expense of the whole process. On day 23, the nurse practitioner reported that she looked like a new person, and that it was like a “switch was flipped” and she was well. At her request, the patient received another week of 100 gram daily infusions to be sure her condition was truly resolved, a very good idea on her part. About a month later, her Lyme blood testing was completely negative.

A physician reported to me similar experiences with a series of Lyme patients, who showed no positive clinical response after an extended number of vitamin C infusions, then had a dramatic, abrupt clinical resolution of their condition, very much as described above.

Final Notes

Vitamin C is truly Nature’s gift to health and healing. Virtually all medical conditions are associated with increased oxidative stress, and the relief, or at least partial relief, of this oxidative stress with the vigorous administration of vitamin C and other quality antioxidants, will always help. The oxidative stress caused by disease and environmental toxins can deplete the body’s level of vitamin C and other antioxidants. In serious illness, the body’s reserve of vitamin C goes to zero because the rate at which the body regenerates it is far lower than the rate of depletion. This can require huge doses to bring it back to normal. Even if you are taking antibiotics or other prescription medicines, bringing your levels of vitamin C in your body back to normal, or temporarily supranormal, will virtually always result in profound benefits.

The treatment is effective and, compared to the expense of conventional treatment, it is inexpensive. Few medicines and therapeutic interventions are more affordable than, and as non-toxic as, vitamin C. Even though something as extraordinarily beneficial as vitamin C might seem too good to be true, that’s definitely not the case.

(Thomas E. Levy, MD, JD is a board-certified internist and cardiologist, and author of several books. His website is http://www.PeakEnergy.com .)

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Have you ever wanted to make a career change, but felt stuck in fear? I came across this journal entry from March, 2000 when I was mustering up the courage to leave my role at HSBC Asset Management. I hope it might inspire you in some way!

” Why do you want to leave your job so badly? Well, I’m not interested. It’s not really where I want to be. People have always said “Oh, you’re too smart to be a teacher” and I took that as I better do something great with my life. But working at HSBC isn’t it even though I have a great job and report to a CEO. I’d like the time to figure out what I want to do – go back to Kindergarten if I have to and start all over.

I’m feeling a pit in my stomach because this is very scary, but at the same time I am excited. Now maybe some doors will open. I’d also like to take some time to visit with Granny & mom a little more – maybe do more for Mom – not sure what I can do, but helping her in the garden might be a good start.

So, how are you feeling? What thoughts are going through your head? I have to admit I have doubts, there are definitely doubts. I have that pit in my stomach, sort of a nauseous feeling. I am thinking about what Eleanor (Cheryl’s mother-in-law) & my mom said “don’t look for happiness in your job because not many people find it….” And when I hear that statement I wonder why not me? Why can’t I love what I do? Why can’t I find something I enjoy more, be it for less money – and be happier. It is interesting how exhausted I am all the time and what Cheryl said – that perhaps I am exhausted because I am using all my energy up on an issue that is emotionally draining – for me it is work and my relationship. Okay, now I am having tightness in my chest. Be present with that Christina – what is that all about? Maybe do the “I’ll be happy when” exercise that Cheryl taught you. For me it’s I’ll be happy when:
1. I leave my job at HSBC
2. I find some other work that interests me
3. I work at a dead end job like being a barista at Starbucks – it has no pressure and no responsbility
4. I become a teacher
5. I have my own business
6. I move in with my partner
7. I quit my job
8. I become a Naturopathic Doctor or Orthomolecular Doctor
9. I write my book
10. I become an advocate for something I believe in
11. I can be myself
12. I can know myself
13. I can be true to myself
14. I can be true to others
15. I am not exhausted all the time
16. I have enough money so that I don’t have to work and can retire
17. My health is better
18. I acknowledge my feelings
19. I listen to my feelings
20. I listen to my inner spirit
21. I learn from the inside out
22. I live from the inside out
23. I am free of the chains that bind me – what are those chains? a. Work b. Weight
24. I am helping others
25. When I am in control
26. When I call the shots for me
27. When I know what I want
28. When I know Who I am
29. When I know What I stand for
30. When I know What I am interested in

I’ll be happy when all this is done.

Now I feel like you should keep working until you have a plan. Is that your voice or your parents? I think it might be my parents….what would you say to a friend?
I would say “You’ll know when it is right…only you can decide” ”

Do you have an “I’ll be happy when” list? The truth is, you don’t have to wait for your list to be checked off to be happy. Happiness starts now, with this breath, with this moment. Don’t wait for the “when” to happen at some point in the future. Your life is here. Now. Let it begin with joy.